Comedy Corner

Rumsfeld
Thursday, April 6, 2006


OK, finally I'll be uploading some of my song parodies.
This little ditty starts off explaining how we used to help Saddam Hussein in so many ways back in the 80s, with particular emphsis on one individual...

© 2004 Bill Pietrucha
©2004 Capitol Cabaret

Ah, going to war. It’s one of those things that makes me feel so warm and fuzzy.

We’ve done it twice now in Iraq, in I guess what could be considered the first father-son wars in history. Oh, remember when fathers and sons only went to high school dinners together?

But even though they will forever in our hearts be known as the “Wars of the Bushes,” it weren’t they who put us on the path to ultimately destroying one of our best Middle Eastern allies of the eighties… when we tried and failed to bring down that other axis of evil, Iran, with Iraqi help.

No, it wasn’t Bush One or Bush Two, who I think was still in rehab in the mid-eighties, who originally got us into our minor tiffs with Iraq.

It was another great American patriot, who once proudly shook Saddam Hussein’s hand, patted him on the back, patted him on the back, and set in place the events by which our U.S. State Department and other agencies approved sales of U.S. tax credited sales of agricultural products, millions of dollars worth of Dow Chemical products… for agricultural purposes only, I assure you,…

God, that’s a little like giving an alcoholic a shot of vodka for his cold…

And the sale of so Bell Textron helicopters to the Iraqi Defense Ministry, and I quote, “for non-military purposes.”

Can you guess who that was, boys and girls?

Can you say Donald Rumsfeld?

Yes, that great American, Secretary of War… er, Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, who first held us back Saddam against Iran… and other potential enemies, like his own people, back in the ‘80s as Pres. Ronald Reagan’s special Middle East envoy.

So I’d like to tell you just how great a man Donald Rumsfeld is…


Secretary Don Rumsfeld
(to Jubilation T. Cornpone from L’il Abner)

In the Reagan era, when Iraq was really in need,
Who stepped in, supplied Hussein
With WMD

Why it was Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
He’ll take on the whole world,
Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
The man who runs the show

When Iraq was hurtin’ badly in its war against Iran.
Who shored Hussein right up
With an arms for oil war plan

Why it was Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
He’ll take on the whole world,
Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
The man who runs the show


Teheran was beating Saddam,
And our morals started to lapse,
A directive by Ron Reagan said
“Avoid Iraqi collapse.”

Why it was Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
He’ll take on the whole world,
Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
The man who runs the show

Who could keep a straight face while tellin’ each little lie,
Who gave Iraq the anthrax
And watched Iranians die

Why it was Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
He’ll take on the whole world,
Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
The man who runs the show

Saddam asked who’d sell choppers
Bell Textron said that “we will”
Our State Department said OK,
Just never use them to kill

Why it was Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
He’ll take on the whole world,
Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
The man who runs the show

While Saddam was in his Palace
Watching US-made porn
Bob Dole went over to Iraq
And sold American corn

Why it was Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
He’ll take on the whole world,
Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
The man who runs the show

US taxes backed up
All sorts of loans to Iraq
Because Don Rumsfeld went there
And patted him on the back

Why it was Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
He’ll take on the whole world,
Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
The man who runs the show

A decade later Donald had changed his tune by a note
And keeps his boss in darkness
To try to earn back the vote

Why it was Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
He’ll take on the whole world,
Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
The man who runs the show

Now he’s on the warpath to make Iraqis so free
With all we gave he still can’t find
Those piles of WMD

Why it was Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
He’ll take on the whole world,
Secretary Don Rumsfeld,
The man who runs the show

An Ode to Tony Blair
Tuesday, November 29, 2005


OK, here is one of the parody songs from my show. I will add more over the next few days, followed by the new material we;ll be using later this month.

©2004 Capitol Cabaret/Bill Pietrucha

Tony Is This Girl’s Best Friend
(“Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend”)

The French still think they have their balls
But don’t make a good suitor
So I prefer a man who knows
He’s already been neutered

A kiss on the ass may be quite Continental
But Tony is this girl’s best friend
A kiss may be grand, but let’s not get sentimental
We’ll just use that man’s ass as an umbrella stand
Time rolls on, allies are gone
And we’ve run out of fences to mend
But keep standing straightly
For a Britain that’s greatly
Tony is this girl’s best friend

There may come a time when our land needs a sucker
And Tony is this girl’s best friend
There may come a time when we’ve pissed off all those fuckers
In those foreign lands
But keep that man right in our plan
I’m the lass who’ll kiss his ass
Just to keep him from leaving the fold
So Frankreich and Deutschland, you’re taking the wrong stand
Tony is this girl’s best friend

In foreign affairs, one must be sardonic
And Tony is this girl’s best friend
And some of those lands need a huge high colonic
We’ll ignore aid pleas
And keep them begging on their knees
NATO grows old and friends go cold
And we’re almost alone now, my friend

Screw brie, wine and strudel,
We’ll stick with our poodle
Anthony
Tony
That’s no baloney.
Tony
Is this girl’s best friend.

Some Parody Songs
Monday, November 28, 2005


Well, it's about time I found the time to upload a parody song or two.
But first, I read that former FEMA Director Michael Brown is going to... get this... start a consulting company to advise on emergency preparedness!. Isn't that like O.J. Simpson becoming a marriage counselor?




© 2005 Capitol Cabaret TM